The Whole-Brain Child summary

I loved a recent parenting book called The Whole-Brain Child. Not only was it a good read and provided some good strategies, they also recognized how useless the tools would be unless they were put in practice and provided a helpful tear-away summary sheet at the end. I tend to think summarizing even the summary will make the lessons stick even better, so here’s my attempt at the 8 key takeaways I want to apply in my life:

1. Connect and redirect – When something goes wrong and your child is upset, first, connect emotionally with your child before bringing in logic, discipline or lessons. This can be nonverbals, touching, or listening and repeating. Only after you’ve connected right brain to right brain should you move on to discussing discipline, alternatives, or how to cope. This is something I need to work on because I have a tendency to be too rational in my responses before ensuring someone feels I’m emotionally in tune with their feelings. Sometimes, I tend to be dismissive of kids throwing tantrums without understanding that they are still learning to regulate their emotions and may not be just trying to push my buttons.

2. Name it to tame it – After you’ve connected emotionally, a great next step is to engage in a storytelling process to recap what went wrong to upset him or her. Ask questions as much as possible – by narrating the process, they engage their left brain more and feel more in control of the situation and can calm down.

3. Engage, don’t enrage – Try, whenever possible, to not say no for no reason. There are certain times where children “act out” because they want to test your boundaries. On those occasions, being firm and clear is the answer. On the other hand, there are also other times when a child can’t regulate their emotions effectively and spiral out of control – on those occasions, it is important to connect as above and not play the “Because I said so!” card. Discuss alternatives and try to get creative. I think this is an area that I do well at – I try whenever possible to avoid using my authority and instead love finding creative solutions and appealing to kids’ sense of logic.

4. Use it or lose it – Provide opportunities for child to practice their responses to situations by playing lots of “What would you do” games, presenting dilemmas and giving children agency and the choice whenever it makes sense. Again, this is an area I feel confident in because anyone who knows me knows I love playing these hypothetical games with anyone, including kids of all ages.

5. Move it or lose it – After connecting and acknowledging the feelings of your upset child, one of the best things you can do is to get your child moving. Getting him or her to move can often help changing their mood.

6. Remember to remember – Help your kids exercise their memory by giving them lots of practice at remembering.

7. Exercise mindsight – Mindsight practices teach children to calm themselves and focus their attention where they want. Little things like learning to sit still (or lie still) and taking calm breaths can be really helpful. You can put a toy boat on their stomach and make it go up and down with your breath while lying down. As they get older, use guided visualization and forms of meditation to continue to help them get in tune with their emotional state. Honestly, I need to do more of this for myself, so using this as a development tool from a parental standpoint will only help me!

8. Family fun factor – Kids that enjoy spending time with family develop better. Don’t forget to do things you love doing together and create enjoyable and memorable experiences. If I ever forget this, something has gone horribly wrong in my life. This will hopefully always be my top priority!

Honestly, as I summarized this, I realized that a lot of these lessons apply to not just parenting, but all of our relationships. Conflict and emotions don’t just come up in the context of parenting, and using some of these strategies can be helpful in workplace conflicts or in friendships.